(Because, Face It – She’s Not Like the Other Humans)

Stubby’s Official Blog Post

Right. Listen up.
This isn’t your standard “how to look after your human” guide.
No sir. This one’s about Marlowe Bellamy: flour-flinger, inventor of twelve types of jam-based accidents, and my human.

She’s not like the others. She doesn’t walk in a straight line, she talks to glowing cubes, and she once tried to mend the toaster using clock parts and a rubber duck. So, if you’re going to help me keep her alive, you’d better read carefully.

---

Rule One: Stay Within Tail-Reach at All Times

Marlowe has a tendency to wander. Into trouble. Into hidden rooms. Occasionally into underground chambers labelled “DO NOT ENTER OR YOU’LL PROBABLY EXPLODE.”

Sometimes a Standford or Evans – although those two have no clue what they’re dealing with.
Stick close. Be subtle. Be there.
Helpful hint: Sitting on her foot usually prevents sudden vanishing.

---

Rule Two: Taste Test Everything

If she’s baking, you taste it first.
Why? Because last time, she “accidentally” confused sugar with salt. I took the hit. I’ve never been the same.
If it’s got jam, I’m in. If it smells like pickled onion muffins again, take evasive action.

---

Rule Three: Distract the Tall One

You know the one. Rhydian Granger.
He follows rules, sighs a lot and always has a perfectly pressed blazer. He keeps writing about us in his “Sanity Log” like it’ll save him.
Your job is to distract him just long enough for Marlowe to get away with her latest (probably unhinged) plan.
My methods include:

• Huffing loudly when he tries to explain regulations (turns his neck a weird shade of aging tomatoes)
• Sneezing on his boots (timed just right, this causes emotional instability)
• A well-placed burp (startles, confuses, gently offends)
• And, if all else fails…
  Barf a little.
  Not full projectile, enough to make him drop the rule book and run. Works every time.
• Sitting directly on his highly classified documents.

---

Rule Four: Cocoa is Code

When she starts boiling milk, rummaging for marshmallows, or whispering to the cinnamon tin… something’s gone wrong.
Cocoa = Emotional Meltdown Pending.
That’s your cue to sit next to her, lean in, and let her wipe her jam-covered hands on your fur if she needs to.
You’re a dog. It’s part of the job.

---

Rule Five: Follow Her, Everywhere

Even when she’s wrong.
Even when she’s stubborn.
Even when she’s whispering “This probably isn’t legal,” while climbing through a locked gate with jam tarts stuffed in her coat.

Why?
Because she’s brilliant.
Because she cares more than she lets on.
Because she never gives up.
And because no one else makes me sausage rolls just for “being emotionally supportive.”

---

So if you see her racing down a hallway, hair flying, notebook in hand, muttering about sabotage and the council…
You follow.
Because she’s not like the usual humans.
She’s mine.
And she’s worth the chaos.

– Stubby, Chief Snack Officer & Guardian of the Chaos Sprite.

---